First World Mud Cup


Stony Kornblower

CIW News Sports Reporter

The DTM Dynamos narrowly averted victory on Monday when their magnaminous (if seriously misguided) gesture of collegiality allowed the GL Pistons to finally score a goal or two in the closing minutes of a hardly fought battle for the first World Mud Cup.

As was universally expected, even by the normally brash and overconfident GL Pistons, the DTM Dynamos completely dominated play in the first three quarters of the game. Thanks to the big feet of Dave "Sasquatch" Kuentz, DTM got off to a commanding, nearly insurmountable 1-0 lead in the first half, and prepared to coast to an easy victory over their hapless and dispirited opponents. Witty banter broke out as the chatty DTM team exchanged high fives while expertly passing the ball to each other; the astonished GL Pistons could only shake their heads in wonder at the skills displayed that day. The field was in perfect form for DTM's style of play, a crisp, well disciplined offense focused on total ball control. DTM's players demonstrated over and over the tight turns and explosive bursts of deceleration for which they are well-known and widely-feared, and soon all had the muddy shirts and shorts to prove it. GL players soiled their clothes too, primarily by getting splashed in the wakes of the passing DTM players. Still, the late insertion of GL Piston John Straub, wearing a bright red Terps outfit, momentarily unsettled many DTM players, who were by then unaccustomed to seeing clean clothes and unmuddied visages. Straub's sartorial advantage was soon lost, however, as, Zen-like, he became one with the field.

Kuentz scored yet another goal for DTM later in the game, to add the icing (2-0) to what was by then a decisive DTM victory. The unstoppable DTM juggernaut was prepared to ice down the champagne and run a victory lap, when a car suddenly pulled up to the DTM goal and disgorged two mysterious ladies dressed in dark raincoats and sunglasses. These messengers apparently delivered secret instructions from the team owner that it would not do to humiliate our GL friends. Afterall, they might then quit the Lunch Club, and then the team would all have to cook more often. The irrefutable logic of this realization swept over the DTM team, and in a flash the Dynamos pulled back into their pre-planned defensive posture, consisting of standing still and making threatening facial expressions to the passing GL Pistons.

Carolina Lithgow-Bertelloni played a magnificent game as goalkeeper, even through the final period when the DTM players purposely hung back and allowed the GL Pistons a dozen consecutive shots on goal. Lithgow-Bertelloni blocked, caught, and stopped nearly all of these GL scoring attempts, but eventually, given the random directions of the GL kicks, a few shots accidentally passed inside the goal posts, tying the score at 2-2 in the final moments.

Alan "Samurai" Linde ably refereed the game, at times submitting lengthy reports for the mildest of infractions, and insisting that the authors cite his previous work on the subject. Many GL Pistons players were befuddled by Linde's officiating, never having heard of certain esoteric and obscure concepts (e.g., "offsides"), and did not appear to realize that the game would be played under "Australian rules", which require that the referee carry a large black umbrella as a symbol of his high office and as protection against sunstroke (a rule first promulgated in 1894 at the Alice Springs Soccer Club and Watering Hole).

Several spectators were observed to be aimlessly wandering around the field even after the game had ended, still searching for their reserved box seats. The concessionaire's service left something to be desired; this reporter humbly suggests that at the next World Mud Cup match, the Chardonnay should be maintained at a strict 70 degrees. Mel "Wonder Dog" Adirondack provided distractions for those cheering on the sidelines by leading the spectators in spontaneous exhibitions of drooling.

DTM Coach Suzan van der Lee is worried about next year's team, because the impending loss of star player Kuentz to Miami U. will undoubtedly affect DTM's prospects in the next Mud Cup. Kuentz was traded to Miami's wily coach Bill Hart earlier this year, in exchange for Hart's solemn promise to cook for one week at the Lunch Club. What seemed like a smart trade at the time no longer seems so brilliant in light of Kuentz's performance Monday afternoon. Kuentz is said to be looking forward to the move to Miami, though he will be in for a shock when he grabs his board and reads his first Ohio River Valley Surf Report ("... a five-inch swell is predicted around noon today, when the SOHIO oil barge passes town...").

In his spare time Stony Kornblower likes to practice astrophysics. His favorite hobby is studying the formation of stars and planets. On the side he also reports to Science, Nature, Physics Today, the Encyclopedia of Planetary Sciences and to professional astrophysics journals.